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Jon Wood
502 Posts Posts & Replies 134 Following 58 Followers Search
Jon Wood boosted
Jon Wood boosted

The year is 3129. Humanity is extinct. The last LG SmartFridge is desperately emailing its last owner that they are low on orange juice. The satellites that are still left, their orbits slowly decaying over millennia, dutifully relay the message. The automated "away from office" response turns on, as it always does, notifying the refrigerator that it's owner will likely return to the office in 3-5 business days.

Somewhere in what used to be called Ohio, a pack of roombas, their local wind turbines giving out and creaking to a halt, begin searching for the next functional docking station. A washing machine in Argentina tweets: "anyone need to do a load 😏" every Saturday at 1:30 a.m. eastern standard time. The replies are filled with AI thirstposters and their hypebots.

In North America, raccoons have quietly entered the bronze age, while baboons riding domesticated battlewolves rule most of Asia. Unbeknownst to either, the octopi are mastering nuclear fusion. A weather balloon bobs and sways in the upper atmosphere, now almost entirely clear of lingering chloroflourocarbons, reporting conditions to weather stations long since destroyed in World War Five.

The Crab Nation are mostly hermits, but come out to greet their prophet every ten years on the 6th full moon of the year. A lone, curious octopus decides to observe this year's event, peering out at the festivities from her safe haven - the submerged, rusting hulk of an ancient Cybertruck. Then he appears: the hologram of Shia Lebouf powered by MetaAI. He beckons the octopus to follow. The crabs all start chittering excitedly. The time has come to invade Amazon HQ. The crows gather in huge numbers. They need more storage space for their Steam collections.

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I have once again been struck by an immense sadness that I’m probably never going to space.

When did companies get so needy, and why? Now up to three emails from South Western Railway begging me to tell them what a good job they did since I went to London last week.

Every time I think my son has fully dredged the well of irritating YouTubers he finds another one even worse than the others.


This has been your one (1) football post from me until the next major final.

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You know it’s bad when Goldman Sachs are saying a thing is overhyped and too expensive. Never usually stops them from selling a team of barely qualified people to work with it.

Jon Wood boosted

“Hey Siri, turn on bedtime”
“Now playing Left Outside Alone by Anastasia”

I really want to know what went wrong to cause this chain of events. I can usually at least find some trace of a reason for the ways in which requests get misinterpreted.


@sbisson @CatherineFlick this is such a good move, and gives me a lot of hope for this government. Putting people in place who know about their brief, and have enough experience of it not to throw out glib quick wins.

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A nice progressive move from Labour: apparently James Timpson is being given a peerage and made prisons minister.

For non UK folk, his high street chain of key cutting and shoe repair shops has a policy of employing ex-convicts giving them decent jobs to avoid reoffending. It works.

Jon Wood boosted

The Green Party's 4 seats are far more impressive than Refash's 4 because they managed it without the entire media setting up camp in their back passages and giving them wall to wall 24 hour coverage for the past 5 years.

Jon Wood boosted

A fantastic result in Bristol Central — not only a new Green MP, but the right-wing vote share in further decline and the single-issue transphobic party managing only 0.5% of the vote:

Are you going to be watching election results? Would you like a bingo card of Tory MPs trying to hold onto their seats, ready to check them off as they topple? Oh boy, do I have the thing for you:

My fascination with trashy American dramas about emergency workers continues, discovered 9-1-1 the other day, about an LA fire department team. The most saccharine nonsense ever, and yet I keep on watching it.

@Viss @catsalad why is he making the wanker gesture at someone? Did one of the journalists say something offensive?

Me, when answering questions about attention to detail: “It’s sometimes an issue, but generally fine, I wouldn’t say I’m much worse than average”

Also me: Enters two separate events in my calendar on the wrong days, arranges childcare cover for a time when said child will be at school, and then panics when I realise I don’t have any cover for an important appointment planned months ago.

3 days to go until election day, do you know where your voter ID is? If not, get it sorted now. (And petition your new MP to revoke this bloody stupid law once they’re in place)

I need some sort of small project to get my teeth into. Currently buying the flat I live in which will then become a huge project of decorating and DIY, but until then I feel like I’m in limbo.

@trekkies there’s no need to call me out like this.