BTW, since other people are making this offer, I thought I'd also put it out there - I'm an ordained minister (via the ULC church,) I've officiated six weddings and one civil union and only fucked up the paperwork on the very first one (sorry @DevelopingSean)

If you're in the #Chicago area and are feeling the need to get hitched with a quickness in the next month or two for some reason or another, it would be my pleasure to say words and sign papers for you (edit: for free of course, this is not a solicitation for gig work)